London Gatecrashers List

This inaugural post deals with the LIST which has spread like wildfire throughout the events industry this week. With your help, these people can quickly be identified, named, and shamed:

Gatecrashers

The List
The following is a public service announcement to the events industry in and around the London area and beyond. As events industry professionals, you are all no doubt aware of the following site chronicling the escapades of the legendary David Pun.

http://thesteepletimes.com/social-butterflies/david-pun/

Other notables on this site include Mr Frizzy and the Julian Assange lookalike. But there are equally prolific, though somewhat less reported about, others out there.

So please find below a list of some of the worst offenders, many of whom you have no doubt come across. Each will try to blag, lie, and even sneak into your events and those of your clients.

As industry professionals, you have a duty to help identify and stop these infiltrators who threaten not only the success of your events, but irreparable harm to your good name.

Please be vigilant and share this with your peers, colleagues, and clients so that these people can be identified and stopped dead in their tracks. All submissions will be treated with confidence so that the LIST can be kept up-to-date. Photos of the offenders are especially welcomed.

The industry has now taken action to thwart these and other individuals’ crashing attempts. Our work is almost done.

The Facilitator
This is a rare, but most dangerous breed of Gatecrasher, for not only does he invade, but he enables others to invade private events unchecked. The Facilitator’s modus operandi is quite simple, yet startlingly effective. He’ll ask dozens of people where they’re going, then get on to one list. Once inside, he’ll reconnaissance the event: how many doors, is there security, how is the guest list managed, how much food and drink is there? He then feeds this information back to his henchman who will shortly arrive and take whoever’s badge is left on the table. He is often seen corralling in a corner with The Odd Couple and occasionally the Big Fat Hairy Guy. Though still actively operating, he’s well on the way to becoming as blacklisted as the notorious David Pun.

The Mental Patient
Wide-eyed, big gummed, and possibly missing more than just some teeth, this northerner is instantly recognisable by her colourful leggings and long black hair. Rumoured to only appear at events when on day release from the asylum, she claims to have tenuous links to the catering industry . . . via a cafe in Hexham. Rough looking and appearing a bit battered and bruised of late, she has variously claimed to live in Nottingham, Pimlico, and Dubai, and is supposedly also involved in property and music. In her deluded dreams!

The Author
Crazed, short-haired American in London, who gets by on spinning a tired yarn about being an international best selling author and writer. In truth, she mainly rants about US tax polices and will crash any party where there’s food . . . which she will happily shovel into her constantly yapping gob. The Author is especially dangerous as she will follow you from event to event, feeding off more than just your good name.

The Artsy Aussie
This tall, lean Australian import, unlike a fine wine, doesn’t get better with age . . . only more irritating. Though he claims to be either a web designer or involved in fine art, from what we hear, he has no real job . . . other than to gatecrash parties that is. Perhaps he’s spent all of his inheritance or just gets his kicks out of not paying for his dinner. Either way, this late-forties lanky layabout has already been banned by most central London venues.

Baron Samedi
Tall, shiny, and bald, this creep with perpetually wine-stained lips is a dead ringer for his cinematic counterpart. He can usually be found at all manner of wine tastings. Trade, off-trade, retail . . . wherever there’s an opportunity to spend an entire day drinking, he’ll be there. Also, the free lunch at these events certainly does attract, though Samedi’s days may be numbered. Was recently escorted from one premises by security, despite remonstrating that other gatecrashers were allowed to remain. Maybe that’s because they don’t look like seven-feet tall voodoo drag queens! #liveandletdie

The Miracle Worker
So named because of her ailment which miraculously comes and goes depending on the event.  Often seen with a hat and stick, these can be discarded at a moment’s notice as she perambulates ably towards the dessert table. This jolly mare is quite harmless, though does tend to mix with some rather unsavoury characters. Has appeared all over of late, and without her usual sidekicks.

The Homeless General 
Dressed in colourful blazers and equally garish suspenders, The General may look like a retired army general, though these days, he’s more likely to be found in line at the Salvation Army. Homeless, jobless, and penniless, he wonders around all embassy and trade and investment parties pretending to be important while casually sipping expensive spirits. Can sometimes be found with the Mental Patient.

The Starlet
This 60’s darling is constantly camera ready, and usually found swanning about with a Tatler bag. Always meticulously manicured and made up (courtesy of the latest free beauty show or department store free consultation), “Julie Christie” can usually be found at wine tastings and has never met a bottle she didn’t like. She claims to live in Kensington and work in accounts, though this Grande Dame ostensibly lives off of Prosecco and perfume samples.

The CIA Director
This short, fat, dumpy looking grey-haired covert operative is more interested in chasing rogue waiters with canapés than rogue secret agents. This supposedly A-Lister can usually be found at museums, art galleries, and at just about every event showcase, where he copiously helps himself from passing trays of food. Though his habits may significantly add to your food and drink budget, Ward Abbott is otherwise harmless. Can sometimes be found chasing canapés with The Author or his crazy sidekick from A-List events.

Feeding Frenzy Frances
This blonde is part of the Feeding Frenzy Foursome and can often be found worming her way into several events seven days a week. Rivalled only by the legendary David Pun, this smartly dressed lass claims to be a senior PA though we’ve never heard of her.  Once again, food and drink is the name of the game for her so she can easily be spotted by the buffet table or chasing the waiters.

The Ambassador
Though this suited & booted gent would like to think he exudes a certain executive charm, in reality, he reeks of middle-aged, lecherous repulse. He is obviously well connected to the banking, fashion, and events industries, he’s easy to spot with usually a pretty black girl on his arm. Was last seen trying to corral a flock of impressionable young ladies into a London Fashion Week party (to which he was not invited). Also pretends to be PRESS in order to gain entry into high profile events, though he has no known credentials.

The Big Fat Hairy Guy
A rare but unmistakable breed and exactly what it says on the tin. With a salt and pepper beard, greasy messy hair, thick-rimmed glasses, and always in the same black suit, he’s been seen saddling up to all kinds of events (uninvited) in the hopes of feeding his not insignificant daily food habit by feasting on somebody else’s free buffet. Whether at a trade wine event, art show, museum exhibit, or industry conference, if there is food within a 20 mile radius, he will hoover it up . . . several plates at that.  Apparently, he’s either Persian or Pakistani. More details to follow.

Miss Piggy
Could be related to the Big Fat Hairy Guy, as she shares his “enthusiasm” for food. Is often seen clamouring to intercept food trays and regularly has her hands and mouth full of food. Somebody stick and apple in her face and a fork in her thigh . . .  this Piggy is definitely done! Part of the Famished Five . . . more to come on them soon.

The Queen 
The most senior of all party planners, this white-haired dear is well into her 80’s, yet still attends as many engagements as Her Majesty, and always dressed in a colourful tunic dress and carrying a large handbag. But unlike Her Majesty, she appears only to be interested in her pre-dinner glass(es) of sherry plus all the nibbles her exquisitely perfect dentures can handle. Claims to be some sort of new business executive (for the nearly departed no doubt). “Her Majesty” is especially active during the days, but seldom out past dinnertime, as she likely needs to return to the nursing home.

The Odd Couple
He claims to be from the dubious Strategia organisation and is in his 40’s, whilst his companion is about 60 with a short, grey bob and has variously claimed to work as a designer or a journalist for Condé Nast. Softly spoken and almost always arriving together, there’s a touch of aristocracy about this pair, though nobody seems to have the slightest idea who they are or what they do. Generally not invited as they’ve been observed with written name badges at most events. They have now been flagged, despite trying not to draw attention to themselves, though she does tend to associate with the Mental Patient.

The Accountant
This guy knows his facts and figures, especially the who, what, and particularly when to arrive at events so as to avoid detection. Suited, booted, but not at all respectable, he will try it on with any woman in sight, get rejected, and move on to another. Could be a twin of the Ambassador, though he doesn’t limit himself to black girls. Can sometimes be found with Feeding Frenzy Frances.

The Chinese Reporter 
Not to be confused with the notorious David Pun, this mild mannered bespectacled elder is always dressed in jeans and a golf shirt. Claims to work for some sort of Chinese newspaper but nobody knows for sure. By day, he can be found in his “office” which is a public library, but by night, he’s out swilling champagne and snorting canapés whilst viewing expensive art and property for his wealthy Chinese “clients” none of whom ever seem to materialise. Though he can sometimes be spotted with the Author, he is a complete freeloader.

The Dominatrix
With olive skin and long dark hair, this French (possibly Spanish?) Madam will make a grand entrance at any party, and we do mean any! Like a locust, she will swarm through multiple events in a single night, returning to the “best” (read most free stuff) for repeated feedings.  Allegedly a former model and Warhol muse, she’s often dressed in black and is surrounded by a coterie of minions, who have yet to be identified. Is often seen with the Julian Assange lookalike.

Krazy Kleo
At first we weren’t sure about this Brazilian “Beauty”, hence her delayed inclusion, but further research shows she too is just a good time party “girl”. Yes, “Bianca Jagger” will be in line waiting for the buffet quicker than Marianne Faithful can say Mars Bar! South American or Latin, this wannabe Diva from A-List events is strictly a Z lister who can often be found with her partner in crime, the CIA Director munching on all manner of canapés and downing copious amounts of liquor. Jagger is a real bore so if you’ve ever had the displeasure of hearing her monotonous, slightly retarded, verbal diarrhoea, you’ll know exactly who we mean.

The Prisoner
Rough looking, older version of the Mental Patient who looks like an escapee from Cell Block H. You can’t miss this harsh, wrinkly old timer for whom no amount of make-up and good lighting can turn back time.  Dressed wildly inappropriate for a woman in her mid-sixties, she and her entourage can be found saddling up to other guests pumping them for information. Be careful before sharing your whereabouts with this lot, or these fishwives will follow you around like the stench of week old canapés.

Einstein and The Indian Doctor
This pair are a right bunch and if you’ve ever seen them, you’d know why. The Doctor claims to be a GP, though quite how he manages to see patients when he’s out all hours of the day and night feeding at free hotel luncheons and PA seminars, I’ll never know. It certainly explains the dire state of the NHS. His frizzy haired and dentally challenged friend is equally at home at any event where there’s (free) alcohol and is usually the first to arrive. Tight as Einstein is, the real reason his hands don’t go anywhere near his pocket is that they’re likely to be grabbing a young woman’s behind. Ladies, watch out for this one, he’s a real catch!

The Chicken McKing
This guy is King of the chicken and a fairly new name suggested by several venues in the London area. Apparently McKing attends many events . . . when not working at his local Nandos. Or dear, we seem to be on to you. More to follow as details of this offender come in.

Lady Marmalade
Or Lady Doughnut, or Lady Larger, this larger than like gal is certainly making the rounds at events where there is food to be found.  Easy to spot as she travels with a pack of Bingo 88’s and the three of them sit and gorge copious amounts of canapés and liberally down libations. You know what they say, it ain’t over til the fat lady sings, though don’t count on this trio breaking into a tune anytime soon. They barely break into a sweat (which is probably a good thing). Were last seen hobbling out of an event after having hoovered the place dry!

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